Twists of the new post-Beijing ‘newspeak’

From today, anyone who dares call me bald will face my solicitors.

Note that I am not talking about mere lawyers but solicitors, meaning that they will be talking millions out of you before you can say shilling, for calling me a balding fellow.

It is not that I have suddenly grown hair on the semi-arid area that is the top of my head. I have not benefited that much from irrigation.

It is that since women went to Beijing, it is a crime to call certain things what they were called before.

As a result, you will be taken to court by some skirt-wearers if you call that familiar hole in the streets, a “man hole”.

Ever since Beijing, it has become a personhole. You can also call it a “personnel access structure”. It is also called a “femhole”. A girl is no longer a girl but a “pre-woman”. And a waitress a “waitron”.

In the circumstances, I am not bald. I am simply hair disadvantaged or, if you want it to sound like a professor, you could say “Whispers Son of the Soil is folicularly challenged.”

It won’t make me any less bald but I will feel as if there is some vegetation on my head.

Be warned also that I no longer have a beer belly. It is a big insult to say that I have a big tummy.

Swallowed a goat

From now on, you will have to say: “Whispers the father of the pre-woman called Investment is stomach-challenged.”

It will still mean that I look as if I have swallowed a goat together with the horns, but it will make me feel better.

I am not the only one who will sue you for using words that you thought were safe all along.

The fellow you have been calling a car washer will see Muite and Co. Advocates if you call him so from now on. He is to be called a vehicle appearance specialist.

Please don’t forget to check whether the car radio is still there after he has cleaned the car, because his new name won’t stop him from wanting to walk away with what is not his.

If by any chance he has taken off with the car radio don’t call him a thief or he will sue you to the end of the world. He is no longer a thief but a personal property appropriation specialist.

It sounds so nice that one of these days, a fellow who is after your wallet will introduce himself by giving you his business card which reads: “Mkono Wembe, Personal Property Appropriation Specialist. Specialised in Wallets.”

He will then give you a look to suggest that if you don’t part with your wallet instantly, you will part with your life.

Parting with your life, otherwise called dying or becoming past tense, won’t make you dead in the new language.

You will not be dead but non-viable, or once again if you wish to sound like a professor, say, terminally inconvenienced. You are also allowed to call those who are past tense, metabolically different, which is the opposite of temporarily metabolically abled.

Watch out what you say when beggars are present. Never, ever, refer to that fellow holding a bowl before your face as a beggar unless you wish him to sue you. In the spirit of the new language, you are to call him a Self-employed Outdoor Money Solicitor.

You might want to call him something else – an applicant for private sector funding. I know people who have teeth that remind you of that small creature called a mole. This is to say that they have brown teeth.

There are others whose teeth remind you of a saw that has cut through a lot of timber. It is an offence from now on to say that they have ugly teeth. From now on, you shall say: “Jane has an alternative dentation.’’

Perhaps, Jane hangs along Koinange Street wearing a skirt the size of a thumb and calling every man who looks as if he has money, ‘darling’ and ‘sweetheart”.

She is of the type whose greetings are; “I-Iove-you-buy-me- Tusker-Baridi,” all said in rapid fire. Hang on a minute before you call her a prostitute or a twilight girl.

These days, your are likely to get a card from her saying: “Jane Dawn, Sex Care Provider.” She might add that she provides escort service.

She will tell you that she is very angry with some men and name one of them as belonging to the type called access controller in hotels. Those will turn out to be the door men who prevent sex care providers from going into five star hotel.

She will, of course, be a friend of other men. You call some of them pimps today if you want to pay a million shillings.

If you don’t want to pay that kind “ of money, you can call them “individuals holding management positions in the sex workforce.”

After many years of walking up and down the streets in the name of sex care provision, Jane will certainly become chronologically gifted.

That is the new way of saying that the subject called Jane has become old. When she gets chronologically gifted, she will of course become cosmetically different.

This is to say that she will become ugly.

Finally, you can therefore say of Jane: “Jane, who has been a sex care provider for many years, has now become a self-employed outdoor monetary solicitor.

This is because she is now chronologically gifted and is of alternative dentation after chewing too much miraa.

It looks as if she will soon become metabolically non-viable after 50 years of being temporarily metabolically abled.”

She might not be so unlucky, she could actually become a utensil sanitiser which is my way of saying a dish washer because she is alternatively schooled.

When you are alternatively schooled, it means that you did not look at very many books in your life. It means that you saw the inside of the classroom through the window.

Last week, newspapers got it all wrong. They said that city council cleaners went on strike. They did not. The people who were on strike were environmental hygienists, among them a number of animal welfare officers.· The latter are often called dog catchers.

Before they returned to work, some of the workers were threatening to release organic biomass in the city. Organic biomass is the correct term for sewage.

Don’t say that I am lying to you if you think that I am not telling the truth. Just say I have just uttered a categorical inaccuracy or accuse me of terminological inexactitude.

There is a person who “womanages” and not “manages” my household where one of the residents is a “pre-woman” called the Investment.

You would like to call her Thatcher or my wife, but she is no longer that. Ever since Beijing happened, she is now called the domestic incarceration survivor.

She is also called an unwaged labourer and a domestic artist because at one time, she studied domestic arts which you would call home economics.

Sobriety-deprived

Don’t be shocked to hear a fellow saying the following at Rhoda’s place: “Today, I don’t want to be sobriety-deprived because the domestic artist in my house is likely to turn me into non-viable matter with her cooking stick if I do so.”

When you are sobriety-deprived, it means you are full of kanywaji, or chemically inconvenienced because you are perhaps a substance abuse survivor (an alcoholic.

If you really want to be kind, you call that kind people of different sobriety.

May be that fellow is scared of his domestic artist because she is more vertically gifted and differently sized. This is to say that she is taller and fatter than he is.

Perhaps he is scared because he is cerebrally challenged meaning that he has the brain of a goat.

That survivor of domestic incarceration will not call you her husband. After Beijing, husbands are called “significant other.” That is also what you call your Thatcher.

If you happen to be of the kind called sugar daddy, that is, you have a habit of telling pre-women that you are likely to make them your survivors of domestic incarceration, your significant other, that is, your Thatcher, will not describe you as a dirty old man.

She will say that you are a “sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.” She will of course not be amused and will eventually go to court and sue for divorce.

Magistrate Kidulla will not hesitate to order that you pay something called alimony, that is, real money for being divorced by your significant other.

That is no longer called alimony. It is called a back salary to the former domestic artist.

See with your mouth

In that case, you will see with your mouth, that is, become so shocked that no words will come out of your mouth.

In that case, the newspapers will report: “When the court read the judgment, Mr Hakuna Bibi was immediately vocally challenged.”

Soon, children will be reading a subject called Herstory and not History. At school they will be taught about personslaughter and not manslaughter.

Eventually, some of them will get Spinster’s degrees and not Bachelor’s or Masters degrees because the latter were banned after Beijing.

All along, I have thought that mitumba clothes, alias Marehemu George, are called used clothes.

They are not. They are simply called previously enjoyed clothes, and you will wear them for ever if you are differently advantaged, that is to say, poor.

So if you think that I am boring, don’t say so otherwise I will sue. I won’t tell you that you are wrong because by doing so, I will be wrong.

I will simply say that you are differentially logical. All the same I will understand what you mean if you say I am differently interesting or charm free. Charm free I might be but I am not alternatively schooled.

That is why I will know what they mean when they say in a supermarket that I am a non-traditional shopper. They will simply be saying that I am a shoplifter.

If my boss comes to hear that I am that kind of shopper, I will become involuntarily leisured, that is, jobless. Worse, I might become a client of the correctional system ending up at Kamiti .

I hear this new language is called politically-correct or Newspeak and you don’t belong to the new world if you don’t know it.

Personally, I had better speak sheng or Whisspeak. However, I belong to the new world and so you will be hearing it in this third rate thing.