When ‘aliens’ invaded the Slopes
By WAHOME MUTAHI Suzzie kicks like a mad heifer and escapes from grandmother just as she is telling the gods of Mount Kenya to come down and give her granddaughter the wisdom of a good wife.
For 18 years, Wahome Mutahi wrote the most popular newspaper humour column for the ‘Sunday Nation’ until his death on July 22, 2003. To celebrate his work and life, the ‘Sunday Nation’ will publish a selection of his best columns.
January 5, 1997
I went home “to eat Christmas” and apart from strange dogs that had come visiting, I also met other strangers. They have not always been strangers. They were born and brought up on the Slopes of Mount Kenya just like the Son of the Soil but something happened afterwards.
That something is that real money accompanied by foolishness collided with them. The result of that collision is that they no longer think they come from the Slopes and that they were fed on arrow roots when they had not discovered what a handkerchief was used for.
They now imagine that they are very close relatives of that expatriate called Father Christmas who was born and brought where they grow and harvest snow for Christmas.
All the same, they must go to the Slopes during Christmas time to show their children some curious beings that exist there. The young ones — the· Juniors and the Investments — of course are not called Kamau or some other names that remind them of arrow roots.
They are called Kevin, Rob, Babie, Sonnie, Timo, Ken, Bobbie, Sue, Marie and even Slow Jam because those names remind them of snow, ice cream, milk shakes and other stuff that is not related to arrow roots.
Those little relatives of Father Christmas Junior are taken to the Slopes once every year to see some curious beings to whom they are supposed to be related. One of those species is called the Slopes grandmother.
She is not the mtaa or town grannie who is manyanganised. The manyanganised grannie has never lost teeth. How can she lose teeth when there are enough spare parts in the dentist’s surgery to replace what she has lost.
Those spare parts include mitumba teeth from Dubai. The mtaa grannie is, therefore, of the kind that laughs until you see the last tooth, fake as it is.
The viIlage grandmother has, of course, other things to do with her teeth one of which is to deal with grains because spaghetti has not yet found its way to her village. In the end, her teeth lose their argument with grains quite early.
So come Christmas and Kevin, Rob, Slow Jam, Marie, Suzzie and Bobbie must be taken to see this curious being who has no teeth.
Before they go, some things must happen. One of them is that they must be vaccinated because if that does not happen, they might contract foot and mouth disease among other diseases that are supposed to be fond of children who live on the Slopes of Mount Kenya.
Slow Jam and Sue have been told that the children who live up the Slopes suffer from the diseases that were banned from attacking normal children by the World Health Organisation, so they must be careful about those who breathe near them. It is bad manners also to let Kevin and Suzzie, otherwise called Daddy’s children, suffer other afflictions.
That is why they are warned vigorously against eating things offered by Uncle Jethro and Aunt Kezia. They are warned to particularly avoid the goat heads that Uncle Jethro offers as Christmas bonus to visitors.
Suzzie shudders when she hears that Jethro is fond of offering boiled goat ears to girls and is suspicious that next he will turn to human ears. Suzzie and Bobbie need not worry about Uncle Jethro’s goat heads and Aunt Kezia’s boiled pumpkins. Dad and Mom make sure they don’t come anywhere near that poison.
Mom and Dad also go to the supermarket and get some liquid called “mineral water” that costs as much as a bottle of good wine. It costs so much because it is supposed to be tapped from the top of Mount Kenya where the gods weep.
It is, therefore, supposed to be so pure that germs flee when they see it. But ask the Son of the Soil and he will tell you the water is from a tap in Nairobi.
Perhaps it is from Nairobi River itself, very close to where my mechanic, Mr Tiger, spits oily saliva after trying to unblock tubes with his mouth. The water bottle, of course, has a label that announces that it carries a liquid that is as pure as the tears of the gods.
Mom and Dad believe that the water is close to the gods’ tears because they have seen tourists drinking it. What is good for the tourist, they argue, is also good for Daddy’s children. You see, Mom and Dad would like Junior and Investment to think that ‘since they are drinking what tourists are drinking, they share the same blood.
Mom and Dad also buy some other stuff at the supermarket so that Junior and the Investment can avoid such poisons as pumpkins and goat heads.
Some of the stuff is called canned beef and crisps. The canned beef was made from a cow that died five years ago and what is in the can has made a tour round the world twice.
That is supposed to be safer than a goat that was murdered by Uncle Jethro on the morning of their visit. Mom and Dad also buy crisps as germs-free food to be taken to the Slopes because such things as pumpkins are to be avoided. Eddie, Sussie, Slow Jam and Rob think crisps are made by some mysterious beings from some equally mysterious stuff.
If you tell them that crisps are made from potatoes, they will call you an ignoramus and declare that the Slopes will remain backward because of people like you. So Daddy’s children must eat crisps because pumpkins are supposed to cause the kind of gaseous explosion in the stomach that can only be cured by a major stomach transplant.
Daddy, Mom, Slow Jam and Suzzie finaIly arrive at the Slopes for the annual technical appearance and you would think that they are migrating to the moon or some such place because the only thing they have not carried with them are gas masks and a supply of oxygen.
It is a technical appearance because though loaded with bottles of gods’ tears in the form of bottled water and enough crisps to feed an army, they will see the Slopes only for a few hours. You see, they are not the kind to make enemies so they will not let down the Waltons who have invited them to something called a barbecue in the evening back in the city.
When you hear about a barbecue, you imagine that it is something that the gods will put together around a fire to be eaten by those who have known better things in life than pumpkins and arrow roots.
If you own a dictionary, you should know that a barbecue is nothing more than roasting a goat or some other dead animal.
This time, however, since it is not Jethro doing the roasting but the Waltons, the affair must be baptised something else. If you have good ears, you also discover that the Waltons were not born somewhere near River Thames but on the Shores of Lake Victoria.
You discover that they consist of a man called Walton Ochieng’ and his wife Doreen Anyango, but since they live where people don’t sweat but instead perspire, and where they don’t eat supper but dinner, they must not be called Mr and Mrs Onyango. They are the Waltons.
Anyway, Mom, Dad, Slow Jam and Suzzie must join the Waltons later in the evening for a barbecue so the visit to the Slopes is really a lightning affair.
All the same, a number of things happen when they are up at the Slopes looking at the curious creature called the grandmother who is married to an equally curious being called a grandfather.
Dad and Mom must show the people they call the old folks, meaning grandmother and grandfather, that they have brought up their children well. And so Slow Jam and Suzzie have been told to do certain things.
One of them is that they must shake the hands of the “old folks” despite the risks of contracting all the diseases that have been banned by the World Health Organisation.
So Suzzie and Slow Jam approach “the old folks” as if they are walking on hot coal. Their eyes are looking at grandmother and grandfather as if they are seeing some germ warfare centre.
They must show some “good manners” though and offer their hands to the “old folks”.
Offering hands is the wrong thing to ·say. They offer a pair of limp fingers which are instantly grabbed by the open hands of the “old folks”.
The moment grandfather’s hand grabs Slow Jam’s limp fingers, some thought flips through his head.
He gets this idea that the toothless figure before him walks on those hands because they are very hard.
Slow Jam concludes that grandfather still belongs to that age called “Zinjanthropus” when man was so undeveloped he walked on all fours. It is a thought that is confirmed when he sees grandfather’s toothless grin. It tells him that the man has not evolved enough to grow teeth.
Suzzie is having her own persecution. She has offered her own limp fingers to grandmother, a thing she does not do to the manyanganised grannies of the city. She normally pecks those on the cheek the way she sees other kids do in some programme called Barbara or something like that.
Suzzie is facing persecution because grandmother has her own ideas about greeting her granddaughters. She grabs Suzzie and summons enough saliva in her toothless mouth. Her intention is to spit some saliva on Suzzi’s chest as a blessing because that is what her mother taught her.
The saliva, of course, has a good supply of snuff in it because grandmother feeds on the stuff as if it were food and it is a few drops of that that she wants to spit on Suzzie’s chest.
The little girl recoils as if she has seen a cobra about to strike and yells for help from her mother who is watching the scene with horror behind sunglasses. You see, her eyes are not used to the Slopes’ sun so they must be protected from its glare.
Suzzie kicks like a mad heifer and escapes from grandmother just as she is telling the gods of Mount Kenya to come down and give her granddaughter the wisdom of a good wife. Suzzie escapes into the waiting arms of her mother, her heart beating as if she has been doing the marathon.
Suzzie’s mother diagnoses the problem immediately. She whispers to her husband that Suzzie is suffering from a condition called trauma. The man nods and whispers that Suzzie must be examined by a psychiatrist as soon as they get to Nairobi.
In the meantime, Slow Jam has withdrawn his limp fingers from the grip of the “Zinjathropus” called grandfather and is walking with a spring to the safety of the family’s Musso where he remains for the rest of the stay.
As all that is happening, Uncle Jethro is preparing a bundle to be taken back to the city by the visitors. In the bundle is a boiled goat head; some roast yams and ripe bananas.
As he hands them to the visitors, he announces that the goat head is to make soup for the head of the family so that he can be wiser. The yams are for the wife so that she can “bring forth a son to be named after me” .
Jethro then blows his nose with bare hands and what comes out of his nose creates a rainbow. This confirms to the visitors that they have all along been looking at a source of germ warfare.
The visitors offer more limp hands and quickly dive into the vehicle. They drive out of the compound as if they are running away from a fire. Two kilometres from the home, they get to Chania River.
The bundle given by Jethro is thrown into that river. Later in the evening, they are sitting around a Christmas tree in the Waltons house, singing about a white Christmas.
They are certainly not looking forward to another Christmas when they have to make a technical appearance up the Slopes.
PUB CRAWL: Of buffaloes and booze
Article by: FULL PINT, ZuQka
“Regular consumption of your favourite poison eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brainwork faster, and more efficient.”
My friend Edushe shared with me, not a pint, but this frothy theory about intelligence. It went like this: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it’s the slowest ones at the tail that get killed first.
This natural selection is welcome for the herd because the general speed and health of the group keeps improving by regular decimation of its weakest members.
I was wondering what all this bull about buffaloes had to do with the booze that he owes me, when he got into the pint of the matter: Our brain operates in the same way— alcohol pounces first on the weakest of our brain cells.
So, regular consumption of your favourite poison eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brainwork faster, and more efficient.
And that, Full Pint, is what makes you feel smarter after a few cold ones. It sounded like the reworking of a forwarded e-mail, although it didn’t make me feel a little smarter about the descendants of Eve who will also feature, and not once in several blue moons, on this quarter acre of space.
Patronise any pub and, before the night is over, their variegated camouflages will emerge in their full nubile bloom.
There is for instance, the diehard beer lover. Whether Remy Martini is on the house, Camy will stick to her cold Whitecap, any given Sunday. Camy is the type that pays her own bills, besides throwing a round before you know her name.
Her beer tells you that she’s low maintenance, girl next-door type who’s been there, drunk that, and won a crate. Camy is easy to approach, bond and blend with. Check out the one in a skirt the size of a hanky.
Lavender is her name right? Well, she’s just shifted from foams to blended drinks featuring micro umbrellas, which she thinks, are for short rains.
“Love”, her nickname, or so she said, is the exasperating type that will demand you pay for her cab to Mlolongo at the devil hours. You are in Runda remember?
Avoid “Love” and instead settle for Harriet, the one ordering Gin and Tonic, and her pip, Paula, now sipping Scotch and Soda.
Although you can tell someone else will pick the tabs, their picky tastes say they’re mature. They know what they want. And it could be you, and not necessarily to settle more tabs.
Hasn’t the innocent looking one on mute been on sparkled mineral water the whole night? By the way, she only rose for a suggestive centre waist wiggle on some Shakira song.
Avoid her. She’s the needy, but pretentious type. Further at the counter is another with an expensive looking coiffure. She is calmly sipping bottled wine and seemingly oblivious of her surroundings, Hottensia could be unadventurous, but elegant and stylish.
Almost next to the washrooms is the 10-herd Girl’s Brigade now on the tenth round of Smirnoff Ice, Sambuca and such girly stuff.
They are the “Manzi wa Nairobi” types who think they’re sophisticated, but will later take a hike to one of Nairobi’s, seedy concrete suburbs.
The loud tomboy mouth of the group, “G” she said she’s called, has now shifted to brandy and shortly thereafter Tequila. Watch out. She hangs out with the boys most times.
Don’t be shocked if you end up in “G’s” (which lasses call themselves G?) bedroom, or balcony depending on her mood at the time — after taking you through a roller-beer-coaster, raundi mwenda, all over Nairobi from sun down till sun up.
What your spouse wants
Article from Saturday Magazine
Stop nagging – men get irritated when they are interrogated about every little thing they do. Photo/POSED BY MODELS.
Nothing epitomises the disillusionment of marriage like the timeless cartoon strip Andy Capp. Andy is a middle-aged man who spends the entire day napping on the sofa while his wife Flo, a disgruntled matronly woman, works from morning to night to pay the bills and support her lazy husband.
When Andy is not napping, he is watching television, enjoying his beloved pint at the local pub, (where he also gets to make passes at the younger women who are more attractive than Flo) getting home in the dead of night much to the chagrin of his wife.
The irony is that Andy pays for his beer using his wife’s hard-earned money. He also has a weakness for gambling and his way of making money is betting on horses, never mind that most of the time, his predictions are normally wrong.
Andy, like many women have been known to complain about their husbands, is far from the romantic man Flo married – when he proposed to her, he went down on his knee.
Years later however, not even regular counselling sessions can persuade him to take out the trash. And in a scene replayed in many homes, Flo has on numerous occasions packed her bags and left for her mother’s house after having a row with her husband.
But Andy is not the only problem in the marriage. Thanks to unflattering clothes and a permanent headscarf which never leaves her head even during those rare occasions when she accompanies Andy to the races or the pub, Flo is no longer a youthful belle.
Also, she rarely has a kind word for her husband, even when she’s having an internal dialogue and doesn’t raise a finger even when her mother is rude to Andy. Once in a while, she even clobbers him when he is late coming home.
We can afford to laugh at these two characters, especially because, even after all this bickering, they still fondly refer to each other as ‘pet’.
Think about it though, were we to replace these cartoon characters with real life people, it wouldn’t be so funny because their marriage is an apt representation of many Kenyan marriages, maybe even yours.
Many couples find that their relationship begins to take on a different shape as soon as the honeymoon is over. The man, who was used to seeing his wife looking immaculate all the time, has to get used to waking up to a bleary-eyed stranger with wild-looking hair every morning.
During courtship, he found this sweet and would tousle her hair while teasing her gently, probably because he knew that in a few minutes, she would transform herself into the flawless beauty she became after whipping up some magic with her make-up.
But there is something about marriage that makes women get complacent, too content that they stop paying attention to their looks. After two or three years of marriage, most women stop making an effort to look good for their man like they did during courtship.
After all, what’s the point of wearing mascara and lipstick if you’re going to spend the entire weekend at home?
A few years later and two children down the line, the slender waist that used to fascinate the man endlessly no longer exists. In its place are ‘love handles’ which do not feel as nice to hold.
The meals that she used to lovingly prepare are replaced by the bland ones the maid puts together. She is no longer willing to serve the man because she is either not home or is too tired to get up from the sofa.
In some households, the bossy, know-it-all mother-in-law makes an entrance and can make the situation worse if either partner is reluctant to intervene.
The conversation the once loving couple enjoyed also changes. With school fees, homework and bills to talk about, the laughter and the easy banter that they once shared is no longer existent, the activities you enjoyed doing together forgotten in the midst of a harried life.
As for the man, he is no longer the thoughtful chap who surprised you with presents “just because.” That day he placed a ring on your finger is also the last one he lifted a finger in the kitchen, yet when he was courting you, he would insist that you watch television as he prepared lunch.
But it is not only women who ‘let themselves go’. Many men, too, stop paying attention to their looks once they get married.
As his wife’s waist disappears, he begins to develop a pot belly and is quite at home with it since he has often heard it said that a pot belly in a man denotes affluence and speaks to the world about his success. But what does his wife think?
He also becomes averse to helping around the house and finds it difficult to pick up after himself, leaving everything to his wife or the maid, never mind the fact that she, too, works from morning to evening.
Such behaviour puts women off and is a major source of discontent in many marriages. If pressed about it, most women will confess to doing housework half-heartedly all the while cursing their husbands for not making an effort to help.
With the year coming to an end, this is probably the best time to start cultivating a new beginning if you are dissatisfied with your marriage.
To help you out, we interviewed a cross-section of married men and women and asked them to tell us how they wanted to see their spouses change and what they wanted them to do differently come the new year.
Forget about the so called best-selling books by foreign authors or a session at a counsellor’s couch – this is bound to be more helpful to your marriage since it came from the horse’s mouth.
What men want
A popular joke goes like this: a man placed an advert in the classified pages of a newspaper which: ‘Wife wanted’. The next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing – ‘You can have mine.’
Though a man who is frustrated with his wife wouldn’t go as far as giving her out to any willing taker, it doesn’t mean that he hasn’t questioned whether he made the right choice marrying her in the first place.
However, judging from the responses we got from the men we talked to, men also care about their marriages and would want them to last. This is how they want their women to change:
1. Stop nagging
Judging from the frequency with which this one kept coming up, men get irritated when they are interrogated about every little thing they do. They say that women are obsessive about details, even the ones that don’t really matter – like what their husbands talked about when they met with their friends or expecting minute by minute details of what transpired during the day.
They understand that communication in a relationship is important, but they want you to be satisfied when they choose to give an overview of events because it means that the details aren’t important. They also resent being reminded to do something. Request them once and when you do, allow them to do it at their own time.
2. Avoid the double standards
Why should you expect men to be open about money when you’re secretive with yours? Apparently, this is a major source of antagonism in many marriages. A couple of men said that their wives were dishonest regarding the amount of money they had yet they expected their husbands to declare all they had to the last penny.
One man revealed that just a few months ago, he found out that his wife had a secret bank account. Because of this little secret, their marriage is on the brink of disintegrating.
“She obviously doesn’t trust me. What else is she keeping from me?” the 42-year-old father of two wonders. If you want men to be forthright with you regarding money, let him know about your chamas as well.
3. Girlfriends are a thorn
While men have no problem with their wives spending time with their friends, they feel that some are a bad influence to their marriage. One man said that his wife frequently stayed out late with friends, sometimes arriving after 10pm after their children had already gone to bed.
Another confessed that it bothers him when his wife overstays at a neighbour’s house. “Does it mean that she finds this neighbour more interesting than I am?” James, the 32-year-old teacher wonders.
The men also want you to know that even though there is nothing wrong with you having a girls’ night out once in a while, it is insensitive to make a habit of it. They also want you to stop comparing your friends’ husbands with him, saying that it only makes him feel belittled especially if you’re criticising him.
4. We love our children but…
A number of men resented the amount of time their wives lavished on their children. They appreciate that children need to be looked after, but they also want to know that they too matter in your life.
“Ever since we got our first child, my wife behaves as if I don’t exist any more, yet our son is about to celebrate his second birthday. He only has to throw a tantrum for her to leave everything else and attend to him,” Michael, a 34-year-old account laments. The men are feeling neglected and want you to create some time for them.
5. Take an interest in our work
Most men want their wives to be more interested in their jobs and be involved in investment plans for the future. They felt that their wives assume this is their duty and are therefore reluctant to offer ideas or take an active role in making them become a reality.
They want you to know that they would appreciate it if you showed an interest in how they invest the money you make together. One man feared how his wife would cope were something to happen to him because she has no idea how their businesses run.
6. We miss the good-old days
If you thought women were the only ones who miss the long forgotten courtship days, you’re wrong. Men too would want to revive the spark that characterised the dating phase.
They feel that women become complacent after a few years of marriage especially where grooming and body image is concerned. Please start paying attention to how you dress and watch your weight.
They also want you to be more interested in sex and not wait for them to initiate it all the time. It also wouldn’t hurt if you became more affectionate, smiled more often and laughed at his silly jokes.
7. Don’t sulk
Men are human – they can’t read minds. Most men said sulking irritates them immensely. If they do something that offends you, let them know. Bottling up anger or ill-feelings will not do you or your relationship any good.
What women want
1. Cut the booze
Coming home stinking of alcohol and expecting your wife to cuddle and act all-loving is unrealistic. They want the men to know that it is not only a complete turn-off, but a bad example for the children.
They also hate it when you regularly come home late at night or in the wee hours of the morning because it robs them of the time they should be spending with you.
2. Help out at home
They may not voice it, but they would appreciate it if you did more around the house, including picking up after yourself. One woman felt that her husband behaved as if their two children did not belong to him, and did not bother to help them with their homework, find out how they were performing at school and did not attend school open days.
Another woman, Susan, a 36-year-old telephone operator said that her husband treated their home “like a hotel.” “He only comes home to eat and sleep. I wish he would spend more time at home because this way, we would get to do more things together.”
3. Appreciate us
Women, especially those who have been married for a couple of years, feel that their husbands don’t appreciate them as they should. Most women said that the men stopped being thoughtful or caring after marriage.
They no longer bought them presents and rarely went out of their way to do things for them. Women want to feel loved and valued, just like you made them feel when you were courting them. They also want to be complimented. Make an effort to notice when they have a new hairstyle or a new dress. It makes them feel you care.
5. Learn to listen
Sometimes women just want to vent, so kindly switch off the television and give her a few minutes of your undivided attention because it gives them a sense of satisfaction. It also tells them that you really care.
6. Be more responsible
Some women felt that their husbands still behaved liked little boys especially when it came to financial matters. One woman felt that her husband, a manager at his place of work, was too liberal with his money.
“Whenever we go for an outing with friends, he offers to foot the bill most of time yet the understanding is that everyone should contribute.”
Karen, the 40-year-old business woman says that this is a major bone of contention in their marriage, since she feels that they should be saving most of the money that they spend entertaining friends.
So as we begin the new year next week, if you recognise yourself in any of the above situations, make an effort to improve your relationship by changing whatever you may be doing that your spouse doesn’t like.
2008, the year when………….
December 28, 2008 by admin
Filed under In the News
1. Kenya crisis – tribal war
2. M-pesa threatened financial institutions.
3. Obama got elected as the first black US president
4. O.J. Simpson actually got convicted of something.
5. Everybody got financially whacked (Global Recession)
6. Year full of Scams
7. Year when pirates came back to life
8. Year of Beijing Olympics
Key Somali official says president to quit Monday
December 28, 2008 by admin
Filed under In the News
MOGADISHU, Somalia: Somalia’s president will resign Monday to try to end government infighting before the country’s Ethiopian allies leave, a senior ally said Sunday in the latest in a series of conflicting statements on the leader’s future.
President Abdullahi Yusuf will address a special session of the country’s parliament to announce his retirement from politics, said Abdirashid Sed, a confidant of Yusuf and the most senior figure to comment so far on the president’s plans.
“He decided to step down because he does not want to be seen as an obstacle to peace in Somalia,” Sed told The Associated Press. “He wants to give a chance to the younger generation.”
The announcement came as 19 people died in clashes in the Horn of Africa nation that has been ravaged by 18 years of civil war.
The president’s position has been in doubt since parliament last week blocked his attempt to fire Prime Minister Nur Hassan Hussein.
The political infighting has crippled the Somali government, which came to power two years ago after Ethiopian troops attacked an Islamic administration that had ruled much of the south and the capital for six months.
Islamist insurgents have hit back and now hold most of southern and central Somalia. Yusuf’s administration only controls a few pockets of territory in the capital and one other town.
The Ethiopian allies are due to pull out within days and the government will be forced to rely on their own unpaid and ill-disciplined fighters to tackle the insurgency.
Hussein, a former humanitarian worker with broad international support, has welcomed talks with factions fighting in the civil war. He backed a peace deal signed with Islamic moderates that was criticized by Yusuf, a former warlord from one of Somalia’s biggest clans.
Some analysts hope Yusuf’s expected resignation and the departure of the Ethiopians ? largely Christians in a Muslim country ? may persuade the strongest and most hardline Islamic militia, al-Shabab, to enter peace talks.
But some analysts say al-Shabab’s territorial gains have put it in a strong position and would have little incentive to talk with the government.
Al-Shabab fought with a moderate local Islamist group Sunday in the central Somali town of Dusamareeb, about 300 miles (480 kilometers) north of Mogadishu, leaving 10 dead, said witness Mohamud Jama Aden. The local militia accuses al-Shabab of harassing its members and destroying temples and tombs of respected clerics.
A separate clash between rival militias left five dead Sunday in the central town of Galinsoor, said clan elder Guhad Yusuf Aw-nure. Meanwhile, Ethiopian troops in southern Mogadishu shot dead four civilians following a bomb blast near one of their bases, according to resident Abdi Haji Isaq.
In Merka, a southern port city under al-Shabab control, armed men raided the office of the U.N. World Food Program and an Italian aid agency and took cash and equipment, an employee said. He asked that his name not be used for fear of reprisals. Nairobi-based WFP spokesman Peter Smerdon said they were investigating the reports.
Any political solution would also depend on the powerful clan warlords and the businessmen who have profited from the chaos in Somalia, with its government riven with corruption and squabbling.
Impoverished Somalia has not had a functioning government since warlords overthrew its socialist dictator in 1991.
___
Associated Press Writers Salad Duhul in Mogadishu, Somalia, and Malkhadir M. Muhumed in Nairobi, Kenya contributed to this report.
Big Banks in Plot to Kill M-Pesa
Nairobi — The unexpected M-PESA probe ordered last week by acting Finance minister John Michuki may have been influenced by an informal cartel of local banks unhappy with the threat posed by Safaricom’s mobile money transfer service poses to their business. According to well-placed sources, four big local banks have formed an “ad hoc committee” to try and get M-PESA stopped. The bankers pitched their case to Michuki at dinner on Monday, 8th December. They argued that M-PESA was similar to a ‘pyramid scheme’ and that people could lose their money if it collapsed.
On Tuesday 11th December, speaking at the Kenya School of Monetary Studies, Michuki ordered the Central Bank of Kenya to audit the M-PESA service saying that government and even parliament had become jittery over its increasing usage and popularity.
“Pyramid schemes can use it,” Michuki said. “I am not sure M-PESA is going to end up well but I stand to be corrected.”
Since then, Safaricom CEO Michael Joseph has made several loaded references about the threat to M-PESA.
“I don’t know who prompted it (the probe), but there are other forces who would like to see M-PESA gone,” Joseph said at the launch of the ’12 in 12 days’ promotion last Thursday to celebrate Safaricom hitting 12 million subscribers on its network.
Joseph welcomed the probe as it would reassure his customers adding that M-PESA had complied with all the anti-money laundering and Know Your Customer requirements.
“We consulted with the Central Bank and we got their blessings on all the things that regularize M-PESA,” said Joseph.
At the Safaricom Dealer of the Year awards, Joseph insisted that M-PESA would not go so long as he was CEO.
Safaricom has also been lobbying behind the scenes to ensure that M-PESA is properly understood and protected. Joseph reportedly went to the Finance minister’s office the day after the probe was announced and Michuki has now reportedly moderated his position on M-PESA.
The problem for the banks seems to be the extraordinary popularity of M-PESA.
Launched in March 2007, it now has over 5,000,000 registered users and almost 5,000 registered outlets. It has transferred almost Sh60 billion since it started. In September M-PESA transferred Sh9.61 billion and in October reportedly over Sh10 billion.
Safaricom’s stated revenue for SMS, Data and M-PESA in its half year accounts released last month was Sh 3.75 billion. Reportedly around Sh925 million of that was generated by the M-PESA business.
By comparison the banks only have 750 banking outlets and 3,000,000 bank accounts between them countrywide.
Some, but not all, banks are alarmed by the growing popularity of the service. They are doubly fearful of M-PESA becoming a “mobile wallet” in the future which Safaricom boss Michael Joseph has said is his dream.
According to a well informed source, the ad hoc committee has opened up the assault on M-PESA on three fronts. One is to lobby MPs to investigate the risk of a collapse; the second is to pressure CBK to insist that M-PESA be stopped until there is legislation to regulate it; while the third initiate court cases across the country by allegedly aggrieved M-PESA customers.
Safaricom insists that there is no risk of a default.
“It’s not a pyramid scheme. The money is not with Safaricom, it is in a trust account managed by Commercial Bank of Africa which Safaricom cannot touch”, said a representative of Safaricom who preferred not to be quoted. The M-PESA account at CBA now has a balance of close to Sh3billion.
“I don’t know and I’m absolutely not aware of how any of our members would be trying to block M-PESA,” said Wanyela on the phone yesterday.
“The only concern (with M-PESA) was whether we can have a level playing field”, said Wanyela, Executive Director of Kenya Bankers Association.
“If they (Safaricom) are providing a financial service, they should come into the sector. If they are providing communication services they should stay in the sector so that we all play in the same field”.
Another banking source said the banking industry is divided over whether M-PESA is good or bad. Some banks believe it would be better to embrace M-PESA rather than to reject it.
M-PESA was originally set up by Vodafone in the UK as a pilot project to increase financial access in developing countries. It was partly funded by DFID, the aid arm of the British government.
The Kenya model of mobile money transfer is still unique and is being closely watched around the world.
Vodafone rolled out M-PESA in Tanzania in April but the take-up has been much slower than in Kenya.
The maximum amount that can be transferred in Kenya is Sh 35,000 and the maximum that can be held in an M-PESA account is Sh 50,000. Safaricom says it does not intend to substantially increase these limits as it is providing a service for the un-banked or the under-banked.
Gaza humanitarian plight ‘disastrous,’ U.N. official says
December 28, 2008 by admin
Filed under In the News
(CNN) — Israeli airstrikes pounding Gaza are deepening the humanitarian crisis in an area that was already in deep distress, according to a United Nations aid official.
“The situation is absolutely disastrous,” U.N. official Christopher Gunness told CNN on Sunday, as a second day of aerial attacks brought the death toll in Gaza close to 300. Hundreds more people have been injured.
Israel has said the airstrikes are a necessary self-defense measure after repeated rocket attacks from Gaza into southern Israel by Hamas militants. Israeli leaders say they are trying to minimize civilian casualties in Gaza.
Gaza is headed for “a major humanitarian disaster” unless the fighting ends soon, said Dr. Eyad El-Sarraj, a psychiatrist who runs Gaza’s mental health program.
He described people huddling in their basements for safety as bombs fell.
“The children are terrified,” he said. “Adults are unable to provide them with security or warmth. Hospitals are stretched out of the limits. We need blood and medicine and surgical equipment.”
“People are suffering and dying because of shortages of medical equipment,” said Dr. Mahmoud el-Khazndar, who works at Gaza City’s Shifa Hospital. “The hospital is not accustomed to accept mass casualties like this.”
Gunness, a spokesman for the U.N. Relief and Works Agency for Palestinian Refugees (UNRWA), said the agency has been unable to get needed medical supplies into Gaza for more than a year, because of Israel’s blockade of border crossings.
“Long, long lists of drugs and other medical supplies which in the U.S. would be considered standard in any hospital — they’re just not available in Gaza,” he said. “When people have been turning up for treatment following this massive attack, they are simply being turned away. If you’ve got things like shattered limbs, broken arms, broken legs, feet blown off, that kind of thing, you’re simply not being seen. If you’ve got very light injuries and you need bandages or aspirins, you’ll get seen.”
The United Nations Security Council held a four-hour emergency meeting early Sunday on the situation, ending with a call for an immediate halt to violence. The council also called for a reopening of border crossings to allow humanitarian supplies to reach those in Gaza.
Israel did give in to requests from the Red Cross and others to allow 30 trucks loaded with fuel, food and medical supplies to pass into Gaza through the Kerem Shalom crossing Sunday morning, along with five ambulances contributed by Egypt, an Israeli security source said.
However, a senior Israeli military official said that the air raids will continue, and that Israeli ground troops deployed around Gaza will “be activated if needed.”
The Red Cross and World Food Program trucks that moved across the border Sunday were the first deliveries allowed by Israel since 80 trucks moved through on Friday.
The Security Council also “called for all parties to address the serious humanitarian and economic needs in Gaza and to take necessary measures including opening all border crossings to ensure the continuous provision of humanitarian supplies, including the supplies of food, fuel and provision of medical treatment.”
Gunness said Israel cooperates with his agency’s efforts to get humanitarian supplies into Gaza — but that’s not enough.
“We have a good working relationship with Israelis on the ground,” he said. “But at the political level, it seems that there is some kind of determination that there should be no development, there should be no prosperity inside Gaza.”
Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert told ministers at a weekly Cabinet meeting Sunday that the situation in southern Israel along the Gaza border “is liable to continue for some time, perhaps more than can be foreseen at the present time.” Gunness urged both sides to stop the violence and talk, saying the bombardment of Gaza doesn’t serve Israel’s strategic interests.
“To have tens of thousands, indeed hundreds of thousands, of angry, hungry, desperate people on the borders of Israel is not in Israel’s interest,” he said. “It’s only the militants, it’s only the extremists who benefit from the situation in Gaza.”
Kenyan Masters Beijing’s Elements
For all of their dominance in international distance running, Kenyan men had never won an Olympic marathon until the Beijing Games. When victory finally came, by Sammy Wanjiru in 2 hours 6 minutes 32 seconds, it was stunning. Given the oppressive weather conditions, it was a performance perhaps superior to any that Michael Phelps produced in the pool or Usain Bolt delivered on the track.
The Olympic men’s marathon began Aug. 24 with a temperature of 70 degrees and 72 percent humidity. Through the race, the thermometer rose to 84 degrees under sunny skies. Anything above 55 degrees is considered less than ideal for running a marathon. Runners become susceptible to dehydration. It becomes more difficult to dissipate the body’s heat. And as more blood rushes to the skin to aid cooling, less oxygen flows to the muscles.
Temperatures in the mid-80s can become dangerous for average runners. The 2007 Chicago marathon was halted after three and a half hours when the thermometer reached 88 degrees. Even elite runners have to slow down in such brutal heat. As the mercury rose to 86 degrees, Stefano Baldini of Italy won the men’s marathon at the 2004 Athens Olympics in 2:10:55, three and a half minutes off his personal best.
Beijing had the added detriment of worrisome air pollution. The world-record holder in the marathon, Haile Gebrselassie of Ethiopia, skipped the event to run the 10,000 meters instead. So the Olympic record of 2:09:21, set in 1984 by Carlos Lopes of Portugal, seemed safe. No time under 2:10 seemed likely. Except that Wanjiru never got the memo to slow down.
He had trained not in the temperate highlands of Kenya, but in the heat and humidity of Japan. And he set a startling pace, covering the 26.2 miles at 4:49 a mile, shattering the Olympic record by nearly three minutes. A month later, Gebrselassie lowered his world record to 2:03:59 on a cool day in Berlin, but many consider Wanjiru’s Olympic triumph the greatest marathon ever run.
“I’ve never seen anyone run that fast under those conditions,” said Amby Burfoot, the editor at large of Runner’s World magazine and winner of the 1968 Boston Marathon. “Beijing was not as bad as we thought it would be, but it doesn’t mean it was anything near ideal. Far from it.”
Why Guinea’s People Welcomed the Coup
December 26, 2008 by admin
Filed under In the News
By Vivienne Walt – Time Magazine
If military vehicles rolled through the capital of your country during the chaotic days following the president’s death, and soldiers brandished weapons and declared themselves the new government, you might assume there would be widespread panic. But if you live in the mineral-rich West African nation of Guinea, that assumption would be wrong.
When young Guinean military officers seized power after Guinea’s president Lansana Conté died on Monday aged 74, people lined the streets of Conakry, the capital, to cheer them on. A little-known army captain, Moussa Camara, declared himself the country’s new leader, as well as the head of a group of 26 officers and six civilians who go by the name the National Council for Democracy and Development. Conté, who was buried on Friday, was a heavy smoker and a diabetic, and had groomed no successor. The Parliament’s speaker Aboubacar Sompare — who by law should have stepped in as leader-urged soldiers not directly involved in the putsch to disown Camara. But Guinea’s 10 million people and its rank and file soldiers appeared to have little stomach for a fight they would very likely lose.
Instead Prime Minister Ahmed Tidiane Souare met Camara on Thursday, addressing him as “Mr. President” and offering to help him govern. For his part, Camara has vowed he will hold elections in December 2010, and that he will not stand as a candidate in the vote. “I have been given a chance to guide the destiny of the nation,” he told reporters in Conakry on Thursday, dressed in military uniform. “I have a sacred mission not to betray the nation.”
Leaving aside whether Camara’s promises can be trusted — Conté himself seized power days after Guinea’s first president Sekou Toure died and then ruled with an iron fist for 24 years — Guineans’ enthusiastic welcome of the new junta is a measure of how desperate they are for change. Guinea has half the world’s reserves of bauxite — vital in the production of aluminium — as well as gold, diamonds and hardwoods. Yet the average Guinean earns just $91 a month. Civil servants last year joined in food riots because their salaries were no longer enough to buy a bag of rice. In early November police and soldiers shot dead at least four demonstrators in Conakry when hundreds of youths burned barricades in protest at high fuel prices. A Human Rights Watch report quoted a witness in Conakry describing police and soldiers “targeting youths and chasing them into private residences, firing indiscriminately.”
Then there is the problem of rampant corruption, which has allowed top officials to earn fortunes. Transparency International’s latest corruption index places Guinea 173 out of 180 countries. Guineans have to bribe officials in order to receive water, electricity, and basic health care, the group said. With policing and the court system in a shambles, Guinea has also become a major hub for Latin American cocaine traffickers, who increasingly use West Africa as the conduit to the lucrative cocaine market in nearby Europe. When TIME visited neighboring Guinea Bissau in 2007, several Colombian cocaine traffickers were operating there, but those traffickers have since moved to Conakry, and several Colombians have recently been found traveling on Guinean passports, says the UNODC’s regional representative Antonio Mazzitelli. He recently told TIME that he fears drug-fueled gang warfare in Guinea. “What we fear is a replica of the Mexico situation,” he said.
Given this explosive mix of poverty, drugs and violence, Western leaders are understandably jittery about this week’s coup, and are pushing for elections within six months — about 18 months earlier than the date the junta has set. Former colonial power France condemned the military takeover and U.S. State Dept. spokesman Robert Wood said U.S. non-humanitarian aid to Guinea might be suspended unless there were elections and a “restoration” of “civilian, democratic rule.”
But as the Guineans who poured into the streets to cheer the soldiers know too well, they never had democratic rule — challenges to Conté’s civilian government were squashed by ruthless force. Guinea expert Peter Pham, director of the Nelson Institute for International and Public Affairs at James Madison University, told the Associated Press this week that Western leaders should not blindly trust in a constitution which the now-dead president Conté drafted largely to keep himself in power for decades. It was “not the result of any democratic process,” he noted. After such a sorry history, even a coup can look good.
Turning Page, E-Books Start to Take Hold
December 24, 2008 by admin
Filed under Technology
By BRAD STONE and MOTOKO RICH The New York Times
Could book lovers finally be willing to switch from paper to pixels?
Although Amazon will not disclose sales figures, the Kindle has at least lived up to its name by creating broad interest in electronic books. 
For a decade, consumers mostly ignored electronic book devices, which were often hard to use and offered few popular items to read. But this year, in part because of the popularity of Amazon.com’s wireless Kindle device, the e-book has started to take hold.
The $359 Kindle, which is slim, white and about the size of a trade paperback, was introduced a year ago. Although Amazon will not disclose sales figures, the Kindle has at least lived up to its name by creating broad interest in electronic books. Now it is out of stock and unavailable until February. Analysts credit Oprah Winfrey, who praised the Kindle on her show in October, and blame Amazon for poor holiday planning.
The shortage is providing an opening for Sony, which embarked on an intense publicity campaign for its Reader device during the gift-buying season. The stepped-up competition may represent a coming of age for the entire idea of reading longer texts on a portable digital device.
“The perception is that e-books have been around for 10 years and haven’t done anything,” said Steve Haber, president of Sony’s digital reading division. “But it’s happening now. This is really starting to take off.”
Sony’s efforts have been overshadowed by Amazon’s. But this month it began a promotional blitz in airports, train stations and bookstores, with the ambitious goal of personally demonstrating the Reader to two million people by the end of the year.
The company’s latest model, the Reader 700, is a $400 device with a reading light and a touch screen that allows users to annotate what they are reading. Mr. Haber said Sony’s sales had tripled this holiday season over last, in part because the device is now available in major stores. He said Sony had sold more than 300,000 devices since the debut of the original Reader in 2006.
It is difficult to quantify the success of the Kindle, since Amazon will not disclose how many it has sold and analysts’ estimates vary widely. Peter Hildick-Smith, president of the Codex Group, a book market research company, said he believed Amazon had sold as many as 260,000 units through the beginning of October, before Ms. Winfrey’s endorsement. Others say the number could be as high as a million.
Many Kindle buyers appear to be outside the usual gadget-hound demographic. Almost as many women as men are buying it, Mr. Hildick-Smith said, and the device is most popular among 55- to 64-year-olds.
So far, publishers like HarperCollins, Random House and Simon & Schuster say that sales of e-books for any device — including simple laptop downloads — constitute less than 1 percent of total book sales. But there are signs of momentum. The publishers say sales of e-books have tripled or quadrupled in the last year.
Amazon’s Kindle version of “The Story of Edgar Sawtelle” by David Wroblewski, a best seller recommended by Ms. Winfrey’s book club, now represents 20 percent of total Amazon sales of the book, according to Brian Murray, chief executive of HarperCollins Publishers Worldwide.
The Kindle version of the book, which can be downloaded by the device itself through its wireless modem, costs $9.99 in the Amazon Kindle store. The Reader version costs $11.99 from Sony’s e-book library, accessible from an Internet-connected computer.
Even authors who were once wary of selling their work in bits and bytes are coming around. After some initial hesitation, authors like Danielle Steel and John Grisham are soon expected to add their titles to the e-book catalog, their agents say.
“E-books will become the go-to-first format for an ever-expanding group of readers who are newly discovering how much they enjoy reading books on a screen,” said Markus Dohle, chief executive of Random House, the world’s largest publisher of consumer books.
Nobody knows how much consumer habits will shift. Some of the most committed bibliophiles maintain an almost fetishistic devotion to the physical book. But the technology may have more appeal for particular kinds of people, like those who are the heaviest readers.
At Harlequin Enterprises, the Toronto-based publisher of bodice-ripping romances, Malle Vallik, director for digital content and interactivity, said she expected sales of digital versions of the company’s books someday to match or potentially outstrip sales in print.
Harlequin, which publishes 120 books a month, makes all of its new titles available digitally, and has even started publishing digital-only short stories that it sells for $2.99 each, including an erotica collection called Spice Briefs.
Perhaps the most overlooked boost to e-books this year — and a challenge to some of the standard thinking about them — came from Apple’s do-it-all gadget, the iPhone.
Several e-book-reading programs have been created for the device, and at least two of them, Stanza from LexCycle and the eReader from Fictionwise, have been downloaded more than 600,000 times. Another company, Scroll Motion, announced this week that it would begin selling e-books for the iPhone from major publishers like Simon & Schuster, Random House and Penguin.
All of these companies say they are now tailoring their software for other kinds of smartphones, including BlackBerrys.
Publishers say these iPhone applications are already starting to generate nearly as many digital book sales as the Sony Reader, though they still trail sales of books in the Kindle format.